FORGIVE SO YOU CAN THRIVE

Written By Tifaan A. Ford, QMHP

Reviewed by Jenelle Hoyt, LCPC

Imagine waking up in a small room, and finding yourself standing in front of a huge steel door with a lock on it and you are holding a rock. You're surrounded by dirt, the temperature is hot and the air is stuffy. On the other side of that door is PEACE, TRANQUILITY, LOVE. The only way to get to the other side is to find the key that is buried not too far away from the door. You need both hands to dig, so you must let go of the rock, to begin the process of searching for the key that you need to unlock the door and exit to freedom. The rock represents the pain, anger and resentment you have been holding onto. Forgiveness is a complex process and deciding to put the rock down is the first step. If you do not make the conscious effort to put the rock down, you are frozen in time, burdened to experience life as a shell of who you once were before the trauma. However, once you have let go of the rock and its negative effects on your life, you can now begin the process of digging for the key. What you will soon find is that The true KEY...is to Forgive.

Do you know that unresolved issues and conflict may be affecting your physical health? Did you know that continuously holding on and holding in anger and upset can even affect your immune system?! Are you holding onto past trauma in your life? Is the spat that you had with your sibling or significant other over two months ago, or a horrible disagreement that you had with your parent or good friend a year ago, looming in the back of your mind? You may have experienced some very heavily traumatic things that have, and continue to affect you such as physical, emotional, sexual and even financial abuse. Perhaps, you've suffered and continue to carry parental wounds from neglect or emotional immaturity. These things and many others are VERY HEAVY and can be extremely difficult to forgive and cope with. It may feel even more difficult to forgive if such things are still occurring. In addition, how do you forgive someone who has died? How do you forgive someone but still not want anything to do with them? What if other people that you care about still talk highly of the person or people who have hurt you? How do you handle THAT? Should you confront the person who has harmed you? What mental shifts do you need to make in your mind to proceed? These are a valid questions and we will explore steps on how to forgive so that you can begin to RELEASE the effects of PEOPLE AND NEGATIVE ENERGY associated with those relationships that have been residing, rent-free, in your head and heart, so that YOU CAN FORGIVE AND BEGIN TO THRIVE.

Chances are, those who are on the opposite end of those relationships may not be expending as much energy as you may be, while holding onto the pain, hurt and disappointment you have, associated with past interactions and communication. It may feel as though others have wronged you, disrespected you or completely disregarded you in situations. The truth is - your feelings and attitude about these moments of engagement may very well be valid. An even greater truth, however, is that you

owe it to yourself to put things and relationships into a positive perspective and FORGIVE SO THAT YOU CAN THRIVE. So how do you do that?

To promote a healthy understanding of forgiveness, Let's take a look at what forgiveness is NOT. Forgiveness is not ignoring or "turning the other cheek" to another person; nor is it avoiding and running away from the problem. It is important to understand that forgiving another does NOT condone the other person's actions or indicate that you won't defend yourself. The act of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful towards a person for an offense, flaw or mistake. Forgiveness is calming and reduces levels of stress. Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. Imagine being able to let all of your pain, anger, anxiety fear and resentment go, and to shift your mindset to Focus more on YOU and putting that energy and effort towards becoming your BEST SELF and THRIVING.

You now have a better understanding of what forgiveness is. Keep reading to find 4 Important Steps that will lead you to Forgive So That You Can Thrive.

STEP 1: LAY IT ALL OUT ON THE LINE

Acknowledge The Hurt In What Happened

It is imperative that you be honest with yourself and allow yourself to be vulnerable and transparent when acknowledging the event(s) that occurred and set things in motion on the true road to forgiveness. Select someone that you trust, to open up to, and let all of your emotions out and allow yourself to discuss and feel the pain associated with those events. An established mentor, a long-term and dependable friend, or maybe even your devoted pastor or other trusted figure within your church may be possible options for you to seek assistance on your road to forgiveness. If you are having difficulty deciding on a trusted and reliable party, consider hiring a Life Coach or Therapist who can further assist you with confidence in opening up and revealing your pain and trauma in a safe environment, so that you can begin releasing negative energy affecting your health and embrace a healthy road on a path to FORGIVE SO THAT YOU CAN THRIVE.

Now, take a DEEP BREATH and Exhale.

You are doing great by even being brave enough to think about the hurt that life brought you...Now, let's explore how you can continue to loosen your hold and take the next steps to Forgiveness.

STEP 2: REFLECT AND RECONFIGURE

Acknowledge What Result You Desire

You know that feeling you get when you think to yourself, "I wish things were different (meaning 'Better')"? Think about how you would prefer things to be? Imagine going to sleep tonight and waking up tomorrow morning and your life was exactly how you wanted it to be, how would it look? How would you feel? What would be different? How would your relationships and interactions with others look? Really take a few moments to consider what your ideal life would look like for you. What satisfaction and sense of relief would you feel? Are those relationships important to you and healthy for you to resolve? In the event, that you would like to forgive someone but do not wish to further engage with that person, this is completely acceptable. You can forgive someone and still distance yourself. Be mindful not to distance yourself out of anger or resentment, as this may indicate that actual forgiveness has not yet occurred.

Know that, however, IT IS HEALTHY TO SET NECESSARY BOUNDARIES.

STEP 3: PRESS OUT TO PRESS ON

Acknowledge That You Are Worthy of the Life that You Desire

In order for you to move forward on your road to Forgive So That You Can Thrive, you will need to refrain from trying to suppress your true feelings about the situation at hand. LET IT ALL OUT. Think about how it angers or upsets you and why it makes you feel this way. Now, take another deep breath and state to yourself why you are holding onto this or these feelings. Once you've taken that horribly wrinkled shirt out of the drawer that you've pushed up underneath the more seemingly favorable shirts in your dresser drawer (because those are easier to wear with less hassle or energy) and have laid that unsightly, wrinkled shirt out on the ironing board, are you just going to let it sit there and keep looking at it with disgust? Even the most unsightly wrinkles can be ironed out and restored. Trust that YOU CAN plug in the iron and take your time ironing out the wrinkles of disgust, anger and hurt in your heart. Take all the time that you need. YOU HAVE THE POWER to Press Out the negativity of the "wrinkles" in your favorite shirt that was once soiled by trauma. Your favorite shirt is STILL wearable and STILL WORTHY of being worn by YOU, in your most worthy, beautiful state.

STEP 4: REJECT THE RESENTMENT

Acknowledge That The Hurt May Return

Take a deep breath and exhale, expelling the energy that does not give you "Feel Good" vibes. Release the resentment you hold towards those people and situations. This may not be an easy task. India Arie’s lyrics of her song, ‘Wings of Forgiveness’ state that we are “only human, let’s shake free this gravity of resentment and fly high”, “let’s shake free this gravity of judgement and fly high”. The positive energy and peace that will replace the negative space being taken up "rent-free" in your mind and heart will be well worth it and will allow you the freedom and peace needed to grow and thrive. It is important to be open and aware that along the way, you may experience certain triggers that may cause the former negative

feelings of hurt to creep up again. This simply means that your state of forgiveness has not yet reached its fully targeted state but you are well on your way. This is ok, as true forgiveness is a process and often takes time and committed effort.

Give yourself Grace. You WILL get there. The more active you are in intent ,with pursuing your act of forgiveness, the greater your reward will be in maintaining it.

These steps may be repeated whenever you feel any feelings of anger, hurt or resentment creeping back up.

What actions should you take if the person that harmed is someone who remains a part of your family or friend circle and others in your circle may be unaware and even in disbelief, as that person may be well-respected or admired by others? Be open and honest and never allow anyone to cause you to feel ashamed, guilty, or bad about your truth. Others may not understand what you've experienced and it is often difficult for some to make sense of things that seem unfathomable to them. That is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility or task to bring that understanding about, while you are in the process of forgiveness and healing. Rather you should confront someone who's hurt you may depend on the situation. If the person who harmed you is a friend or if you value that relationship and feel it can be resolved or salvaged, it may be worth talking with that person. However, if the situation involves heavy traumas such as occurs with sexual, physical or emotional abuse,

it may be in your best interest to refrain from communication and interaction with the person who caused you pain. Remember that forgiveness is done from your heart and is for YOU. Unless you feel the need to speak with the person, or feel that your speaking with the person may have a positive impact, or help keep someone else from going through

what you experienced, it would prove beneficial for you to focus on you, your healing and moving on with your life, free from the painful hold that overshadowed your ability to thrive before your journey of forgiveness began.

Forgiveness is a complex process of change and requires effort and commitment. Let's explore 5 activities and exercises that can effectively help you to begin your process of Forgiveness today.

1) Perspective Taking - Allow yourself to try and take the perspective of the other person who

harmed you or caused you upset.

-Ask yourself what pressures may that person have had in the situation, that made them

behave the way they did towards you?

-What type of background did that person come from and could this have contributed to

the way they behaved?

-What events in that person's life lead to their personality?

-Did that person misread or perceive something you did as a provocation, leading them to behave the way they did?

2) Fantasizing About Apology - Allow yourself to imagine the other person sincerely apologizing to you.

Leslie Greenberg and Wanda Malcolm (2002) have demonstrated that people who can generate such fantasies and vividly imagine their offender apologizing and being deeply remorseful are ones who are most likely to forgive successfully.

3) Roleplay Forgiveness - Practicing forgiveness with a trusted family member or person engaging in roleplaying the person that caused you harm, encouraging you to give the offender the benefit of the doubt or to imagine different things the other

person may have been going through. *It is important to know that practicing empathy is NOT the same as excusing the behavior.

4) Empty Chair Technique - You imagine sitting across from the person that hurt you (who is imagined to be in the empty chair). You describe your complaint as if the offender were there, and you then move to the empty chair and respond from the point of view of the offender, moving back and forth between the chairs to discuss both sides of the conversation with empathy.

5) Write a Forgiveness Letter - Write a letter to the person who hurt you, that you may or may not ever send to the person, advising how you were affected when the incident occurred and how it still affects you. Be sure to state how you wish the person would have responded, acted or handled the situation instead. End the letter with a statement of forgiveness. These strategy exercises can aid you on your path to forgiveness and they can be combined for a better outcome.

Always remember YOU CAN REACH OUT FOR HELP. Working with a therapist or life coach

can help to renew your mindset and continue, on your healthy path to thrive.

2 Major Categories to explore when executing these 4 Steps to Forgive So You Can Thrive

FORGIVING OTHERS	FORGIVING YOURSELF
Whole Forgiveness is For YOU (not the other party)	Give Yourself Permission to Be Vulnerable
Free Yourself From Disgust and Pain & Trust Again	​Reflect & Learn From Your Mistakes and Grow
​Holding onto Dark Energy Can Consume You	Failing to Forgive Restricts Movement and Growth

Believe that You CAN Take Control. Start your road to forgiving, so you can release the stress and tension of carrying boulders of various sizes and weights that have seemingly been tied to your ankles and thus, restricting your movement and stunting your growth.

Take your first steps today.

Happy Healing on your road to FORGIVE SO YOU CAN THRIVE!